


I've been missing home

by AlmostSilent



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Canon Disabled Character, Canon Queer Character, Child Abuse, Dialogue Heavy, Emotional, Jesse Manes is a War Crime, M/M, Mild Cheating, Post-Season/Series 01, as in Michael is technically with Maria
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:41:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27987876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlmostSilent/pseuds/AlmostSilent
Summary: He’s only made it about four limping steps back to his jeep when he hears a door open behind him. He can’t spin as fast or as smoothly as he used to and just about wrenches his neck trying to when his feet can’t keep up.“Michael.”(Alex is getting ready to finally let Michael go for good, now he's moved on with Maria. But Michael isn't going to let him go without some explanations first.)
Relationships: Maria DeLuca/Michael Guerin, Michael Guerin/Alex Manes, mentioned:
Comments: 28
Kudos: 120





	I've been missing home

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so I wrote this in May of 2019, right after season 1 ended, as such this has absolutely nothing to do with season 2. This is set about a month after the season 1 finale.
> 
> Title is from 'Looking Back' by Parachute because it is such a Malex song. 
> 
> Un-beta'ed.

It’s earlier than Alex thought it would be for completing this particular task, the sun is still out and shining, but he’d confirmed Michael was at the Wild Pony, so now it was.

Putting the cardboard box down on the little table outside the Airstream feels like a goodbye. One he’s not quite sure he’s ever been ready for. But he’s taking that guitar pick from the chain around his neck, where it’s been sandwiched between his dog tags for too many years now. This is final. Final in a way that makes something squeeze painfully in his chest. But still, he tapes it down and hopes Michael will understand. What he hopes Michael will understand he’s still not entirely sure.

He’s only made it about four limping steps back to his jeep when he hears a door open behind him. He can’t spin as fast or as smoothly as he used to and just about wrenches his neck trying to when his feet can’t keep up.

“Michael.”

Of course it’s Michael. Although it could’ve just as easily been Maria if what Liz said was true, and judging by the radio-silence from Maria it was. It’s one of the many reasons he wanted to do this when Michael was out. Speaking of which…

“You weren’t supposed to be here,” Michael doesn’t seem to be paying him any attention, too busy examining the box. What’s taped to the box.

“I live here, where else would I be?” is the flat answer.

“At the Wild Pony. With your phone.”

“Ah, so that’s where it got to,” Michael at least has some humour in his voice, but it seems forced, fake. If Alex can still tell things like that.

“Right, well, I’d better get going.” He needs to leave, five minutes ago.

“What is this?” 

Alex can’t help that he stops moving at that tone, the serious one with no sarcasm or artifice, the one that a lot of people never get to hear. But Alex can’t do this. He really can’t.

“You know what it is, Guerin.”

“Yeah, and I saw where it came from too,” is the unexpected reply. God, if Michael was home the whole time he’s probably been watching since Alex left the Jeep.

“Then why ask questions you already know the answers to?”

“Because why the hell was my guitar pick hanging around your neck Manes?” and there’s something like anger in his tone now, but Alex is still turned half away from him and just can’t look at him right now.

“Look, I’m giving it back now,” he sighs, “So let’s just leave it alone.”

There’s a moment where Alex hopes, almost convinces himself, that Michael is just going to let this go. That he can leave without another argument and another regret to add to the pile.

“I don’t think I want to leave it alone actually,” is the answer he expected honestly, Michael’s probably the most stubborn man he’s ever met.

“You left it behind, I decided to keep it, now I'm giving it back,” Alex finally has to turn back to face Michael fully, knowing he’s not going to drop it no matter how much Alex wishes he would.

“Right, you just decided to hold on to it for ten years,” and Alex hates that condescending tone, “and now you’re suddenly giving it back for no reason?”

Alex doesn’t know how to respond to that. Maybe a few weeks ago he would’ve told the truth, because a few weeks ago he might’ve believed it would make a difference. But Michael’s moved on, fully and completely and Alex has to learn to be happy for him, even if he knows that the same might never be possible for him.

“Yep, pretty much,” he doesn’t put much effort into making the lie believable though, “figured while I was returning things to you I’d add it to the list.” 

Alex makes a point of nodding his head to the box, hoping that Michael’s curiosity and the box’s contents would be enough to derail this conversation and enable him to finally just leave.

“Doesn’t explain why you held onto it for ten years,” Michael doesn’t take the bait, because he’s a bastard who lives to make Alex’s life harder, “or why you were literally wearing it.”

“No, but it really doesn’t matter anymore Michael, so let's leave ancient history where it belongs,” Alex doesn’t want this fight. Because he can’t let himself be vulnerable with this man anymore, can’t afford it.

Something about that sentence seems to get to Michael, because Alex can actually see the indifference leave his face. The indifference wasn’t real, Alex can still read Michael well enough to tell that. 

“I think it still matters,” is the soft reply. And it nearly breaks him. God but this man has too much power over him.

“A few weeks ago, I might’ve even agreed with you,” his voice doesn’t come out as flat as he meant it to and he hates that. “But things change.”

He can see that Michael knows what he means, there’s something like guilt in his eyes and that’s not what Alex wanted. Maybe when he was sitting outside the trailer all afternoon waiting, maybe right after he found out about Michael and Maria, maybe. But not now. Now he just wants to pretend that Michael Guerin didn’t break his goddamn heart. To forget that he deserved it.

“Have a good life Guerin.”

And this time when he leaves he knows he can’t look back, can’t get trapped back in the orbit of this man who ruins him every damn time.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” if only Michael ever respected his plans.

He’s still not planning to stop though. Can’t. But there’s a hand on his arm, and he fights his initial reaction of forcibly removing it with extreme prejudice, fights down the instinct with a deep breath.

“Can you just talk to me for once, instead of running away?” is the angry jab, aimed to get under his skin. And it works.

“This isn’t running away Guerin,” he snaps, twisting just enough to dislodge Michael’s hand, “I have a job to do.”

He hasn’t told anyone else about the bomb, not even Kyle. It would create more panic and stress than anyone in Roswell could deal with right now, not with the Rosa issue to deal with, not while Max is as weak as he is, Isobel mother-henning him to avoid dealing with her own recent trauma. Not with Jesse Manes still in a coma in the hospital. No, this is a Manes mess, which means it’s Alex’s job to clean it up. Hopefully, before Flint can do any more damage.

So he doesn’t tell Michael that he’s leaving to neutralise a threat to him and his family. That the best case scenario of him succeeding with his plan is that he’ll have to go underground and hide for probably the rest of his life. Definitely doesn’t tell him that the possibility of Alex dying after neutralising the bomb is only the fourth worst case scenario. 

Mostly he’s keeping his silence with Michael because he doesn’t want to worry him, because even now with his dad out of the picture, he’s still trying to protect Michael Guerin. 

But there’s a part of him now, a part that’s been growing larger since he spent almost an entire day waiting around for Michael to never show, that part wonders if Michael would even really care. And he desperately doesn’t want to know the answer to that question.

So he keeps his silence.

But Michael doesn’t.

“Because that doesn’t sound like some lame excuse at all,” is the sarcastic response, full of more bitterness and cynicism than Alex even knew Michael could feel for him, now that he was moving on.

“Yeah well, you’re about a month too late for the truth,” Alex couldn’t help it, he was tired and didn’t have the energy for this fight. He sounded tired now too, “and now it doesn’t matter. Because it doesn’t change anything.”

“You don’t know that,” and Alex was so familiar with that particular tone of frustration.

Michael might be right about that. Alex knows it might change some things, might make Michael more or less angry at him, might make him feel more or less guilty. But they’re talking about the past. It won’t change how Michael feels about him. Or how he feels about Maria.

“Fine,” he sighs. He can’t look at Michael for this though, keeps his head down, eyes on the ground. “Did you know my dad killed me once?” it’s clear this seeming non-sequitur has startled Michael, his whole body jerks before going stiff.

“I was about 14 or 15, and I knew I had a concussion, but I didn’t know it was that bad. My heart stopped for nearly five minutes apparently. And it’s something that’s been stuck in my head ever since. For those five minutes, my own father had killed me.”

He’s trying to keep the obvious emotion out of his voice, it’s been so many years, but this is the first time he’s ever told anyone, it feels too raw for how old the hurt is.

“I’m telling you this, because I want you to know, that when my dad told me he’d kill you if I ever even spoke to you again, I knew he wasn’t bluffing. I knew he had the means, motive and opportunity to follow through.”

There’s a silence more tense than any silence between them has ever been before. But Alex can’t just leave it there.

“I agreed to join the Air Force because it seemed the best option at the time, and like I said, I wanted to be someone who won battles. The kind of man who wasn’t afraid of my father,” somehow the next words seem even harder to say than anything else. “I thought I finally was, right up until I ran into him when we were at the drive-in, and then it was like deja vu all over again, there I was selfishly putting you in the path of a monster.”

It took a few seconds for Alex to finally lift his eyes and make contact with Michael’s, but when he did the air seemed to leave his lungs all at once. Because Michael fucking Guerin was crying. And there he was, hurting him all over again. All Alex seemed to be able to do was hurt the person he loved.

But then he was surprised for a different reason. Michael pulled him into an embrace that felt more like coming home that anything else ever did. Being held in Michael’s arms was always his happy place, that hadn’t changed in ten years.

For a few blissful moments, he could ignore reality and pretend this was his to keep, could imagine a life where he got to feel this every day. And then it ended and Alex almost wept.

“You didn’t tell me,” Michael’s voice, barely above a whisper, still felt like a yell.

“When? By the time I got my dad to leave town, there were already so many more pressing issues to deal with, and I honestly didn’t think it would make a difference,” Alex shrugged, “It doesn’t change anything.”

“Of course it does!” 

Alex can’t help the fond smile as Michael throws his hands up dramatically. But it only lasts a second.

“What does it change exactly?”

“If I’d have known-”

“No, Michael, what does it change now?” Alex says more firmly, trying to get his point across. Michael seems to realise too, that it doesn’t change anything at all, “Exactly.” Alex nods. And part of him breaks anew, as though there was some hope living in his heart that he hadn’t known about, the tiniest chance that Michael might’ve disagreed with him, might've insisted that of course this changed everything and now they could be together. But that was never a real hope, so it should not have hurt this much.

“All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy and safe,” Alex admitted, “so now I have to go. And maybe one day I’ll call to check in, find out about the amazing life you’re gonna have. Or I guess find out you left the planet on a rocket ship,” he laughs a little hollowly. The very real possibility of Michael disappearing into the stars is a selfishly painful one.

“Why do you sound like you’re not coming back?” and there’s pain in Michael’s voice that he hates and doesn’t know how to fix.

“Because I’m not,” he admits. “More than likely this is a one way kind of trip.”

“Where are you going?” it sounds more like why are you going? But Alex doesn’t know how to answer either question honestly.

“To fix another mistake,” is the only answer he knows how to give. And it’s even true.

At some point Michael’s hand had found its way back to his arm, and Alex isn’t sure when that was but he can’t pull away, even though he needs to leave.

He’s lost in the emotion swirling around in Michael’s eyes and the heat of him standing so close. And god if he could he’d stay here forever.

The hand on his arm is the one that used to be damaged, a constant reminder of how being close to Alex had hurt Michael. How loving Alex had never bought him anything but pain. He’s glad Max healed it, glad Michael doesn’t have to live with the reminder anymore. And maybe that’s one reason he left the guitar pick with the box, so that maybe he could leave Michael with some kind of positive memory of him, something to say that it hadn’t all been bad. Even if there was more bad than good in the end.

“You can’t just leave again.” The words sound torn out of Michael’s throat and it hurts, it makes Alex want to reach out and touch and he can’t.

“You asked me to let go,” Alex whispers back, because the words refuse to come out louder than that. “So I am.”

And Alex doesn’t care that he’s finally losing the battle against the tears, except that he didn’t want Michael to know how hard this was for him. How utterly, heart-wrenchingly impossible this was for him.

Michael’s next words practically gut him.

“You’re a miserable liar.”

But then they’re kissing. And Alex is still crying, and he thinks maybe Michael is too. But it still makes his heart race and his mind quiet and his soul sing. It’s still absolutely perfect. For about a minute.

Then reality starts pouring back in and everything hurts again.

Because Michael is still with Maria, in whatever kind of relationship they have going on right now, and Alex still needs to leave because he has to save Michael from an alien-killing bioweapon. So this can’t be happening. So he pulls away, even though it hurts.

“God you can’t just let me leave in peace can you?” he almost laughs, except he’s still crying. 

“I can’t let you leave at all, Manes. Not letting you go without a fight this time,” and Michael still has his hands on Alex’s face and he’s pressing their foreheads together and Alex never wants him to let go.

“You already did,” he whispers into the space between them. “Liz said your thing with Maria was heading into ‘serious, actual relationship’ territory.”

He’s surprised the words don’t make Michael pull away. The mention of Maria should be enough to remind him of their current reality. But as ever, Michael likes to be contrary.

“I don’t know, maybe,” he shrugs as though totally unconcerned, “but it’s not like what we’ve got. What we’ve got is a once in a lifetime, makes you crazy, can’t get enough kind of love. And I’m not letting go of it this time. And you can’t change my mind.”

At this point, Alex thinks he might’ve fallen, his one good leg not enough to keep him standing. He wants to reach out and grab what Michael’s offering with both hands. But there’s still…

“I’ve still got a job to do Michael, and even if I make it through it, I won’t be able to poke my head above ground maybe ever again. It’s a way one trip kind of deal.”

This is finally enough to have Michael pull back, looking startled.

“What do you mean ‘might not make it’? What are you talking about?” 

“Michael…”

“No, you can’t just say something like that and then not explain yourself.”

“There’s a bomb,” he relents, bringing his hands up to hold onto Michael’s wrists where his hands still cup Alex’s face, “A bioweapon designed to kill aliens. I had hoped it’d been destroyed when… Well, it wasn’t. They were keeping it at a secondary location and I need to destroy it before they move it and I can’t find it again.”

Alex can actually see Michael processing all this information, and he lets go of his wrists in preparation for him stepping back and away. 

Instead, because Michael will never miss an opportunity to defy expectations, he seems to get even closer.

“When do we leave?”

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first (and so far only) work in this fandom, so please be gentle with me.


End file.
